Febrile Seizures: How PTSD Gives You Perspective

Earlier this week I had an episode of PTSD. The frog princess was looking for something under the couch (probably a bouncy ball) and she was making the normal sounds that someone stretching to grab something would make.  To me, in the open office, it sounded suspiciously like the sounds a convulsing child might make.  I ran over to her and then tried to calm myself down so that she wouldn't think anything was wrong.  She has been taught that when I call to her she is to respond though I'm sure she doesn't understand why (yes mama, she says and "homing" which is her way of saying coming). Although she wasn't sick and didn't have a fever when this happened, this is what I deal with now.  I probably started to think about it since it was cool last week and you never know when the cold/flu season is going to hit big.  The last couple of days she's been finicky about eating which is not out of the ordinary for a toddler.  But this afternoon when she woke from her nap I held her in a close hug and, using the best thermometer ever to exist, I kissed her forehead and knew.  Dammit! See, the frog princess was diagnosed with simple febrile seizures after her first in June and a follow up at the end of July.  We had some decisions to make about testing and felt good about our choice.  That being said, I can't wait for her 5th birthday as they say that's the age when they grow out of these seizures.

There are times when the images of her seizing just take a hold of me and it's...I don't know if I have a word for it.  Tonight, I thought about it once again.  I was going to shower and asked my aunt to watch her when I doubled back and calmly explained to her that should she seize, to put her on her side and call to me.  It's surreal when I have to give those instructions. I imagine is just as horrifying to get them.

Her temp was 100.5 when she woke from her nap.  Not too bad but from the research we've done the magic number is sometimes 101.  So we go into overdrive and planning once she gets a fever.  Of course, this is where the medication-taking gets rough.  See, at any other point in time, when the frog princess sees her meds she says "thome" (that's some with a lisp). But let her be sick and she automatically rejects anything from a bottle that looks remotely syrupy.  We've gotten smart and put it in her yogurt but I'm afraid that she caught on to me today.  After a little jostling and negotiating (and perhaps some head holding and flailing) she took her meds.

She's been up and down since then.  At times she was extra cuddly and wanted to lie on me and at times, she urged me to stand up and dance with her.  I set up a little bed on the floor in the family room (because my fear other than her seizing is that she's going to fall on the tile should she seize if I'm not around to catch her).  She made me lie down and go to "sheep" so she could read me a book (it happened to be How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight? as it goes with the "t-rex" obsession).

Now I sit here checking her temp every 1/2 hour. About to go sit in the bed where she is probably dreaming of dinosaurs to make sure her temp doesn't spike and to ensure that I don't see that horrible sight I first saw back in June.  I am grateful to be home.  To be slightly paranoid (I think I take her temp at least once a day) and to still feel blessed because she's in great health otherwise, is rarely sick and generally joyful.  Though the seizures are scary as all hell, I couldn't have asked for a better baby.

It might sound crazy but I still feel like the luckiest mami in the world.  Even with the year I've had, my life is filled with blessings and grace beyond measure.  What have you experienced that made you take stock of all the good in your life?