I'm taking a study break that I can't afford. Â Truth of the matter is, I'd rather go curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head. The sinking/sick feeling started on Tuesday. I thought I was coming down with something until I remembered the counselor's words in my head: don't commit to anythingÂ the week before and the week after any major holidays, because you won't know how you'll be feeling and that low wave will hit you again.
She was right. Â Except this year, I'm in school. Â And I have my final project's outline due by Sunday night and unfortunately, I can't call in sorrowful. Also, I am trying my best to finish all of my work by tomorrow so that I don't have to work this weekend.
Mother's Day is one of those days where I'm supposed to pretend like it's the bestest thing ever. Â I have a confession. Â This will be my 3rd one and the 2 previous left such disappointment in my heart that I don't really care to celebrate it. Ever.
I allowed myself to breakdown in the shower today. Â Thinking about the last good day I had with mami. Â Sitting outside that last Saturday, enjoying the beautiful day. I remember my first and last mother's day with her. I knew it would be my last, somewhere in the depths of my soul. The call about the cancer spreading came shortly thereafter.
I want to pick out cards to send to family and friends but, can't really make myself go down those isles. Â It's just another day to me. Â But heavier because there's an expectation of sorts from society.
In my heart, every day is mother's day. I never needed one day to show mami how much I loved her. The best was sneaking out under the pretense of shopping and having lunch somewhere then pretending we didn't eat when we got home so dad wouldn't get mad since he'd been home cooking. Â It was walking around the mall holding hands and giggling. Â Not this one day of societal obligations.
I have no plans for Sunday. And honestly, after the last two years, I don't really want any. I don't want to get my hopes up that there will be some sort of celebration that will make me, momentarily, forget how alone I feel without my mom. That there's some magic potion to erase the hurt that's so tied to this day. Â I don't want to remember the last two years where those days left me emotionally exhausted partly because of the pretending for everyone else's sake.
I want to do one craft with the frog princess so that I can have a keepsake of her at this age. I think I have a kit for handprints. I want something I can tuck away though it doesn't necessarily have to be on Sunday. Something of hers during this time before she thinks I'm overbearing and that I'm ruining her life. Â I may release balloons this year again but, I'll gauge how I'm feeling on Sunday.
I should say that I don't feel any less joyful about life, any less blessed or any less faithful. Â This might not make sense to you and part of me hopes that it does not because then it means that you have not yet had to experience a loss in your life. I still feel like the luckiest mami in the world with the bestest frog princess to ever walk the earth. And I am doubly blessed to have had a mother who gave me enough love to last me until the end of my time on this earth and not hers. I still smile when I think of her jokes or when my girl does something just like mami used to.
This is just one of those moments that I have to ride out knowing I'll come out just fine on the other end.
Ok, back to work I go. Â After all, time stops for no mami.