Confessions of a Mediocre Mami

I am not superwoman.  Right now, I should be feverishly dusting and cleaning the toilets and folding clothes and vacuuming and God knows what else.  But after fighting with the munchkin’s nap, realizing that she had poop everywhere and perhaps that’s the reason she was crying in her crib, bathing her, nursing her, putting her back in her crib and praying to the sweet baby Jesus that she didn’t wake up, checking the dryer and realizing the clothes smell like ass because they were left in the washer too long, rewashing, drying, throwing another load in, sweeping and getting ready to mop, I realized that I needed to write this down because I was dictating it to my brain and we all know my brain will not remember later on.

I am not perfect.  My home is not super clean and neat like I picture it in my head.  I always plan on cleaning and organizing but things come up.  Like taking care of the baby and sleep.  Last night I was excited because I thought that after I put her down, I would do some of the things on my list.  I fell asleep with her around 8:15 and woke up after midnight.  We were up for another hour because I am such a mediocre mami that I haven’t studied up on my sleep training and when she fell off her sleep wagon a month ago, I didn’t bother to read the stupid books I purchased months ago to figure out how to get her to sleep well again.

There is dog hair in my carpet.  Every day I tell myself that I am going to call a carpet cleaning service to come and steam clean it.  But every day I forget.  So now it’s on my list though I am not sure when I will get to that.  My house is a little dusty and my windows need to be cleaned.  Did I mention I was severely allergic to dust mites? I am.  Because I am a mediocre mom.  My closet looks a mess even though I have cleared it of all the clothes I no longer wear.  I should put the few items that I have left up so that I can figure out what I need to purchase.  But I haven’t done so.  Because I am mediocre.  I run around all day long doing this and that.  Taking care of what other people need at work (after all, that’s my JOB) and still having people bitch that things aren’t done, trying my best to manage mami’s care (spreadsheets to pay for her stacking bill collection, appointments, medications, etc. Thank God my sister helps out with taking care of things here and there otherwise, I don’t know what I’d do).  My toenails look like crap. I can’t remember the last time I got a pedicure.  I should go get my hair done tomorrow but I need to do a better job at staying on the budget.  The mane hasn’t been washed in two weeks (don’t freak out! Colored girls hair should be washed once a week so I’m not THAT behind).

I should have a schedule for the weekend.  Taking the munchkin to the park, organzing and boxing the clothes that she has grown out of.  But instead, there is a pile accumulating in her room and now there is the faint smell of a 10 month old’s poop in her room even though I took out the trash.

I cried to myself this morning while nursing her because it hurt after a night of too much nursing.  Because it’s the only thing that I feel I have done well and I will not give it up.  Even though The Man thinks that it needs to go away after 12 months (though he hasn’t explained to me why).  I didn’t get the birth that I wanted it, probably because I am so mediocre.  I planned, I thought I’d set things in motion for whatever came up but that was not to be.  I did not take the beautiful newborn pictures that I’d imagined in my head.  I didn’t plan for that ahead of time for that but I guess mediocre moms don’t do that.  Rumor has it that I'm still working on thank you notes from the shower.  I have them all laid out in my head.  Now, if I could only figure out where I can find an accordion thank you note online I'd be set.  But again, mediocre moms don't send out thank you notes.

I should have play dates and homemade food.  I started making her food when she started eating solids but I haven’t done that in a few months.   I should ask for help but where do I begin?  I feel like a failure most days and today, as I sit here trying my best not to cry I feel it the most.  Perhaps I am hormonal.  But perhaps I am just sleep deprived because I sleep in fits and spurts these days.

I wish to be a better mom.  I wish to be able to stay home when I want to and have my perfect child on a perfect routine.  She is perfect.  My frog princess is such a happy baby.  I prayed for a happy baby while I was pregnant because I felt like I was on such an emotional roller coaster and I didn’t want it to affect her.  And it didn’t.  My perfect frog princess who smiles at me and gives me kisses when I ask deserves a perfect mom.  But I am not sure how to get there.

Not sure how long she will sleep.  Feeling guilty sitting here writing this when there is so much to get done.  Feeling guilty that I haven’t gone to dance class once a week like I said I would.  If I wasn’t mediocre, I totally would be there.  But after a night of sleep that comes in fits and spurts, I am exhausted after being at work for 8 hours and just want to come home even though it is probably much less effort to dance than it is to go through my nightly routine.  Then I feel guilty when I think that because I love my baby and it’s not that I don’t want her or don’t want to play after spending all day away from her.

So I type this and think that perhaps it’s a good idea for me to eat something though there are odds and ends in the fridge and I am not sure what I will have for lunch.  Perfect moms have a stocked fridge and a menu for the week.  I used to have a menu.  But every time I start thinking about putting one together, something else catches my attention.

The frog princess is up.  She has slept for an hour.  And I still have a ton of things to do.  I will go pick her up and kiss her.  I will go play with her and get ready for the afternoon.  I have not bathed yet, have not washed my hair.  She deserves more than a mediocre mom.  But this is who I am for now. I will try harder.  I promise.  But for now, this is the best that I can do…