I am the picture of efficiency.Â Iâ€™ve had 15+ projects on my slate and still find time to chair my sororityâ€™s reading event.Â I balance my workload while managing others.Â I keep the budget, track expenditures, maintain the family calendar.Â I coordinate, calculate and generally maintain the balance of the earth.Â I can do it all except that every once in a while I start toâ€¦what was I saying?
My friends laughed when I got pregnant.Â It was the evil laughter.Â Not at all what I hoped for.Â They laughed to my face and they laughed amongst themselves.Â They laughed because they knew.Â I am no longer the person I describe above.Â It is all a long lost vision of the person I used to be.Â It began during pregnancy.Â I would forget some things.Â I wouldnâ€™t call someone back or would not show up to an appointment.Â All little things, really.Â I thought I could mitigate this risk simply by getting better at documenting. Iâ€™m a project manager, I can do this!
Hereâ€™s the problem: what do you do when you forget what you were supposed to be doing (like writing it down!).Â I decided to write about this because I was mad.Â Livid that Iâ€™d gone into my email presumably to look for something important and dammit I cannot remember what it was!Â I started writing and by the second paragraph Iâ€™d forgotten about the search for the email until I looked at my task bar and saw my email open.Â See what I mean?Â I am afflicted with Mami brain.
Itâ€™s way worse than it was when I was pregnant.Â I can turn around in place and forget what I was doing.Â The lists help but when you are in the midst of something and then have to stop and think â€œnow, where was I?â€ itâ€™s not a good sign.Â The best thing is that I always remember things when I am driving and I have been trying really hard to not look at my phone while I do (I took the Oprah pledge so I really shouldnâ€™t).Â Short of pulling over to write it down (and my fear is that by the time I do, Iâ€™ll forget why I did), I have no idea how to keep the important thoughts from flying away.
In the last 12 months I have been known to write checks for bills, put themn my purse or workbag and not send them in.Â As I typed that line I realized I have cash that I need to deposit and checks that I need to write that I totally forgot about this week!Â It happens. It is sporadic.Â I never know when itâ€™s going to hit me.Â And for someone who could be described as a type A personality and overall life manager, this brings me great pains.
It is disheartening.Â When I read of all the things that I was able to do I kinda miss the old me.Â I do not understand why my brain went away but I really want it back.Â I am afraid that people will think I am incompetent.Â That no one will understand that I used to be on top of my game.Â That I really did just forget to mail in that check! I have money! I promise!
There should be a book about transitioning into mamihood.Â A book that explains the physical transition and the emotional one as well. For those of us who are used to juggling many things at once and are trying to figure out a new way to exist with this permanent shift of brain cells.Â Perhaps I found such book and just canâ€™t remember the name of it.
Now, if youâ€™ll excuse me, I meant to un-friend â€œRobinâ€ from my FB after she said some mean things to me about 2 hours ago and just remembered I hadnâ€™t done so (more on â€œRobinâ€ later. I have a note to tell you about her so Iâ€™ll definitely remember).
And, don't get me started about being Latericious to everything...