Last week I talked about searching for a home. This week, I think I'm still on the same path but with different components added in. One of the things I realized last week is that I need to put my mask on first. I haven't been doing that. And I've been paying the price. The consequences are high. My peace of mind, for one. My focus and attention, for the other.
Why do we do that to ourselves? I have no answers, just questions, y'all.
I'm trying to finish writing this book (Reach For Your Bliss: A Short Guide On Dreaming, hopefully coming to you this fall), get the coaching site up and running so we can get this coaching party started in September, figure out my love life (yikes!) and a million things in between.
Add to that medical bills, credit card bills, a renewed lease (that has left a bitter taste in my mouth), one more year of private school, the fact that I STILL haven't won the lotto (1. because I don't really play and 2. because when I do, I never check the ticket), laundry, the frog princess home for the rest of the summer and the lack of groceries in this mug and this rounds out my current list of "holy shit, I gotta get this done!".
Thankfully, I've written myself notes along the way. I feel like the guy in the movie Memento who left notes for himself because his memory would be erased each day. I'm not that bad but still, it's nice to remember what I said about perspective and letting go of certain things so that I may establish some order to the chaos.
Also, this is my tiny moment of freak out for the month. I allow myself this mental "ARGH!" moment so that I can then put on my big girl panties and rock at life. It just so happens I had this moment when preparing my posts for the week (oops).
I'll feel better in the morning. But of course, showing myself grace is the way I have to begin the journey.
The cool thing is that I am experiencing joy and gratitude. Constantly. Even in the midst of the freak out. I'm grateful for so much in my life. And grateful that I have the flexibility to do what I can. This is a big change for me. I don't sit in the yuck anymore. I don't allow myself to. It's not easy but with practice over the last couple of years, I am able to shake the negativity off. Some days are better than others. I think I suffer from intrusive thoughts so if a negative thought sneaks in, I have to try very hard to chuck it out before it spreads.
I think I have found my bliss in the midst of the mess. Which is so appropriate for this year of Epic and all the good things that I am being intentional about this year.
In the meantime, I'm going to ride this Mami anxiety wave with prayer, have a glass of wine, maybe watch Snapped or Criminal Minds and get ready to rock out this upcoming week. Writing this out has brought a little more peace and focus. See, who needs the therapy bill (ssshhh, don't tell Cheryl!).
I'm worth the grace. And worthy of the bliss.