I had a dream. It started with a shoe. I was going to my sorority's founders' day celebration and I had just found the perfect pink dress. In my mind, I began to look for Kelly green heels. I imagined they'd be sling backs. Pointy toed and pretty to perfectly embody all of the pink and green-ness that I was feeling.
I'm notorious for running in, seeing perfection and running back out. It's my favorite way to shop because I don't exactly enjoy it otherwise. It's how I found the Calvin Klein sheath dress.
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I stepped into the shoe store at around 6:30 pm. I had to be somewhere else at 7. And the luncheon was the next day. But, there they were. The shoe that I had seen in my head!
When I tell you it was as if I'd manifested the thing in my head? I do not lie!
There were only a handful of shoes remaining. One pair in my size. One friggin' pair! All the yassssses that I could possibly fit in my yasssss train!
I tried them on. They looked so good on my foot and would look so lovely with the dress. There was only one tiny problem.
The back of the sling was hella loose. Not just slightly but "these might not classify as sling because they are not touching my heel" loose. I cannot express the disappointment I felt. It was as if I had brought my dreams to life for the sole purpose of crushing my spirit.
How could I have walked in here, manifested this damn shoe and then have it fit not quite right?!?!
I get pissed off all over again when I see this. Look at this bullshit!
I stared at myself in the mirror. I tried walking with both shoes. Maybe it's not too bad when I walk? Maybe I just need to walk around a bit. Maybe this fucking sling can do its job!!!!
I felt a ways about it. And then, as I put the shoe on one last time and stared down at the dream deferred, I heard it.
The voice in my head.
"You remember there was a time when you would actually have purchased these shoes?" The voice in my head chuckled. "Damn!" I thought.
That voice was right. I'm so hardheaded that there have been times that I've tried to force the square-looking round peg into the square-being square.
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My lesson learned? PIVOT! Pivot like you're on Dancing With the Stars and dancing next week depends on it! Pivot as if your life depends on it because guess what? It does! I've lost so much precious time in the past because I refused to quit. Sometimes, not giving up is a bad thing. I learned that from my Mami. The not quitting. The settling. It's part of my DNA.
Then I heard myself say this "I am not accepting anything other than the perfect fit and fuck you if you don't understand." Let's say a tiny hallelujah for not having any workers in the vicinity when I did so.
Why do we accept the struggle sling instead of standing our ground and holding out for "the one".
Oh and before you start, this is not just about love. It's every aspect of life. Your living situation, your stance at work. You name it. Why do we go for it?
Why do we settle for the shoe that looks good but can't do it's damn job?!
I knew I wouldn't have time to go to another store. And if I didn't get a pair of shoes, what would I do? Would I go barefoot? Of course not! I, in fact had a perfect pair of shoes waiting for me in my own closet.
I made due. And I was just fine.
I got to keep my money in my pocket but more than that? I refused to walk away with a pair of shoes that looked beautiful on my feet but that I would not be able to comfortably walking in.
In the moment I remembered why I chose to walk away from so much. Specifically why I walked away from someone that I had dreamed of and that looked exactly as in my dreams but who hung behind, loosely and without providing the support I felt I needed, while looking good by my side. It wasn't a perfect fit. Not by a long shot.
But that's okay. There's a shoe for everyone. Hell, many shoes! Maybe someone will come along with an unusually long ass heel that could meet the sling where it stands (I tried coaxing it to do its job but it wasn't having it. See peg comment above).
As for me and my foot? Me and my size 7's will wait for the sling back that won't make me feel like I'm going to have to do double the work to keep it on my foot.
And I'm perfectly okay with that.