Parenting During a Pandemic

This post is made possible with support from the American Academy of Pediatrics through a cooperative agreement with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. All opinions are my own.

Pandemic (adjective): occurring over a wide geographic area and affecting an exceptionally high proportion of the population.

pandemic (noun): an outbreak of a disease that occurs over a wide geographic area and affects an exceptionally high proportion of the population: a pandemic outbreak of a disease. (source: Merriam-Webster) 

Who plans for a pandemic? I surely did not. None of my friends have, either. As I mentioned in one of the chats I have going on with my crew, we are in unchartered parenting territory, friends!

This is one of those times when I think, Holy crap! Do I have anything in my mental toolbox that could help right now? So, of course, I’m going to loop back and talk about everything I learned about ACEs. 

The thing about blogging is that not only do I get to impart some of my knowledge to you, but I get to learn about some pretty important topics.

Let’s Review: What Are ACEs? 

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are defined as experiences that might be traumatic to children during the first 18 years of life. These experiences include abuse, neglect, and challenges in the household among others. 

While we can’t add pandemic to this list, I’m very aware (and thankful) that the same tools that help prevent ACEs can help reduce the harm that the current health crisis might cause.

I’ve been home for over a month now, practicing social distancing. I think the last time my kid went to the store with me was March 14th. We missed her belt graduation after she successfully passed her karate testing, and we have pretty much been holed up at home — first on “spring break” when we went to see her dad who is working out of town (holed up in a different home) and now distance learning at home and trying to find a sense of normalcy.

The Frog Princess has not outgrown her febrile seizures and with the threat of this pandemic at our front steps, I’ve had to work hard at keeping the calm here at home while also taking the necessary precautions to ensure we stay healthy and COVID-19-free. I empathize with families that are having to do everything possible to keep their immunocompromised loved ones safe and healthy above all.

Then there’s the emotional toll. Baby Girl confessed to being overwhelmed during the 2nd week of distance learning, and we’ve had to pivot on what her day looks like. Then, just as we worked our way through that, a fight broke out right outside of our home and that brought so much distress to my child. Sigh. She is now extra jumpy because of it. That moment highlighted for me how fragile all of our sensibilities are at the moment and made me think about ACEs even more.

And it made me think of a few things that I needed to focus on.

Our Environment + Routine

I was reminded pretty quickly that my child needs a routine. Once we started distance learning, she fell right into the normal school schedule because she said it felt good for her to do that. Part of maintaining a safe, stable, and nurturing environment has meant that we try and keep some things the same.

And yet, we also leave lots of room to make things different. Last week, after the whole fight business outside of the house, the Frog Princess did not wake up at her usual time and lounged a bit (which is unlike her). I encouraged her to take her time and reminded her that none of this is normal.

(This has become my mantra: none of this is normal. I say it aloud and in my head, often.)

Our Community

I still lean on the power of 3! I might not be able to physically see a lot of people, but I think I am at a slight advantage here since most of my friends live inside my phone/computer. More than ever, I am having phone calls, video chats, and the like. I am also encouraging Baby Girl to reach out to any of her friends that might have a phone. A few of the moms from school and I are planning on setting them up on a video chat this week so they can hang out virtually.

Community is super important. Make sure that you are leaning into your people. If you don’t have your 3, I encourage you to stop right now and make that list. They can be near or far as long as they are there for you.

Our Mental Health

I know that therapists fall into a privileged commodity, but I think it’s important for anyone who has the opportunity to connect with a mental health specialist during this time. Or, connect with your school to ask about support options. Both the kid and I have had a chance to speak with our therapist. 

I think the biggest a-ha moment I had was at the end of our first telehealth session when she said, “It’s good that you are talking this out because it sounds like you have a lot more on your plate than you thought.” That was the very first time that I outlined all the things I had going on aloud in such a way that made me understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. 

Just as when we are on an airplane, we need to put our masks on first. (Ugh, I just realized how literal that is, given the current situation.) We have to be able to take the time to care for ourselves, hard as that can be because our families are depending on us.

There’s so much to think about right now. This. Is. Not. Normal. and we shouldn’t pretend like it is. We are in unchartered territory, but I think that there are a few maps we can turn to that will help guide us as it relates to how our children will come out of this. Learning about adverse childhood experiences is the first step.

Another step? Identify 3 people or 3 resources that can help you create safe, stable, and nurturing relationships and environments during this pandemic. Lean into your communities and remember that, even though our experiences during this time might be vastly different, we are in this together.