I am an Oprah fan (if you're not, no worries. Feel free to skip this post, I have others you know). I could write an entire blog about why that is but, I won't
lead you to think I'm a stalker bore you with that.
Today's Lifeclass was entitled: Letting Go of Anger. Once again, I see that God thinks He's funny. Today brought with it a deep down anger that had me checking myself (to see if it was my ego - lesson 1 was all about that). I tried to type as often as I could during the webcast because the frog princess has gotten word that I really want to watch this and don't have a DVR at the new place and sooo...bedtime is all about that one hour that I absolutely cannot replay at the moment. Such is life. I am not angry about it because giggles are still had ;-). I am emotionally exhausted but still felt the need to put finger to keyboard in order to share this (I'm telling you this now so that if you find spelling errors or things missing you'll think it's due to my exhaustion - alibi: check!).
In either case, I had a lot of
random thoughts that I didn't always type because I kept paying attention and then the mami brain would kick in and I couldn't remember where I left off tidbit quotes. You can read my brain dump on those at the end of this post.
I wrote the passage on 11/12/02 after having an ah-ha moment. My then boyfriend/almost fiance had revealed himself (and not by choice or his own doing) to be a class A con-artist and a world famous liar. I'd spent almost six years of my life with him mostly under one roof only to find out that I couldn't decipher what was true/real and what was not. There are times where my own memory doesn't have a clear recollection of that time period. I am told is PTSD but, who knows? All I know is that at some point in time I realized I had to let go of the anger/confusion/questioning because it would eventually consume me. These are he thoughts that came of that act of letting go. I was so reminded of this tonight.
It is still difficult for me to read what I wrote so many years ago but, part of growth is facing the music, right?
Forgiveness is eternal. It comes from deep within your soul like a wave in the midst of the ocean. It's slow, rich, free and clear. Full of life particles that will help you heal those parts of your life you thought had already healed. Once it's out, though, you'll have it for as long as there is breath in my lungs and forevermore.
Forgiveness is expensive. We sometimes end up paying a great price. Because if we don't forgive while we're on our journey, we end up losing parts of ourselves that might never return to us.
Forgiveness is necessary. Necessary for me to move forward and spread my wings. I didn't realize it until now. Sitting here reading my bible, that even though I've been blessed with the ability to have walked away from you with relatively few scars I must forgive you. That even though God has allowed me to turn my back on a life I'd given my all to and still be able to smile, I must forgive you. As He's brought me those things deemed necessary not by me but by Him, I must forgive you. I must forgive you for many reasons. Because I don't want to be like you.
Who would I be if I didn't forgive? Is this how I'll show God how thankful I am for the great miracles he's performed in my life? Do I want to be filled with hate? Do I want to taint my heart now, after all it's been through? No. Turning my back on all of those things would not feed my soul and spirit in the way He wants it fed. I don't want to be like you.
So, I forgive you. For everything you've done. For the massive scars that God Himself had to come down and heal. For the lies, for the tears. I forgive you for the betrayals. For the embarrassment. For the shame. I forgive you for never being able to love me the way I deserved. I forgive you for not knowing how to love no matter what you say. For not respecting me, for not treating me right. I forgive you for all these things and a million more that I don't care to recall.
I forgive you because your presence in my life has brought me close to God in ways that I could have never achieved on my own. Thank you for bringing back my faith. Because experiencing you has taught me that God will always be by my side. That He stands by me through thick and thin because His love is unconditional. And His plan is greater than mine will ever be. And these words ring true and to not believe them is a crime: God may not come when you call, but He's always on time.
And with this forgiveness I complete the last stage of this cycle, the cycle that up until now has been divine. The one that has extracted your image and likeness from my heart. By His doing. By His grace. Because my spirit called Him and my soul begged. And now, I put this forgiveness on a boat and watch it float away with no regrets and no tears. No goodbyes and no fears.
"We don't do anything that does not serve a purpose." - Iyanla
Beneath all anger there is always pain and hurt. If you are willing to look to see what that hurt is you can make your way out of the space of anger... (I paraphrased this one because I was too busy
reading people's comments paying attention)
"I will not be angry today. I refuse. I will find something to be joyful about." - Iyanla
"Forgiving is giving up the hope that the past could be any different." - Oprah
The AH-HA moment for me that I could actually jot down: "The best students, get the hardest tests! When God has something for you to do, He's going to test you to make sure you're ready. Don't punk out!" - Iyanla
I still feel that I have a lot to learn. A lot to work out and a lot of letting go to do in order for me to allow the blessings and grace to continue to flow. Do you have something that's eating away at you from the inside out? What is keeping you from letting it go?