Coming up next week: my second mother's day as a mami. My first mother's day without my own. Everything up in the air. Â I hold on fast to my faith. Â Like a jumper holding on to the parachute's cable. Today, I cried during my prayers with the frog princess. Â Lying down on her tummy with me lying next to her, she smiled and threw her arm over me. It's funny but, lately, she is the only one that is able to comfort me with the simplest act of offering up a hug. Â Or caressing my face (this one usually makes me cry). Â I prayed for sustenance. I prayed for strength and comfort. Â Not 5 minutes later, I get a call from one of my prayer warriors letting me know it was in their heart to call and check on me. Funny how things work out sometimes. Two weeks ago, the frog princess's earring fell out of her ear. I found it in the crib but couldn't find the screw back. The last time her earring fell off I found it on the carpet by the bed so I looked there first. Â I looked everywhere. Â I asked mom to help me find it. Â I popped one of my little rubber backs on her earring (which made me realize I don't have a lot of earrings with the regular backs on them) and figured I'd ask the doctor for a screw back next time the baby had an appointment. Who has time to go to the mall to one of the kiosks that pierce ears to ask for one of those thingies, right? Â Two nights ago, while playing in the bed before her bedtime, I reach under Â the pillow to move it and my fingers graze metal. I instantly know what it is before I pull it out. Â The back of the earring. Â I just smiled.
I've been staring at pictures of mom lately. Â Willing words into my mind in her tone of voice. Â Though I already know what she would be saying at this time. Because I had fragments of conversations that, when put together at this very moment tell me exactly what needs to be done and exactly what she thought.
I am feeling very lonely these days. I realized that I miss the companionship that my mami provided me. Miss the not needing to explain myself for her to know where I'm coming from. Â Lately, I've had conversations with people that hold different parts of my past. It is comforting to be able to reach back to someone that truly feels your heartbeat. Â I love talking to them because in some part, they reflect back the same things that mom did. Â People that truly love me look past my deficiencies because they are outweighed by my awesomeness (my sister's words, not mine).
Mamis know the intent in your heart. Â They know that though the road to hell is paved with good intentions, you can always divert from that path. Â I suspect that this maminess is what drew people to her. Â Mami always saw the intent of a person. Â This allowed her to freely love no matter what actions someone took against her or anyone else. Â Not to say she didn't get pissed off. Â Not that she would be willing to sacrifice herself for the greater good if someone was not concerned with her own well being.Â But because she used her mami radar to look into someone's heart, she somehow always knew someone's intent.
I'm learning some of her tricks as I travel down my own life. Â I think I know why she and my grandma were never bothered by some things. Â One reason was that they were acutely aware of what matters in life. Â The second, they were able to look at a person or situation and by knowing the intent of that heart, they were able to put actions behind them and simply understand that they needed to move forward in a different direction. With forgiveness in their own heart which multiplied their blessings (and by extension, my own) and allowed them to be free of the cloud of despair that we sometimes get caught under when trying to dissect a person's motivation behind bad decisions.
She is teaching me so much. Â It is difficult to believe she is not here. Â Next week, I plan on honoring mami in some way. Â It will be quiet and unassuming. Â It will be humble. Â It will be true. Â From heaven, she will see my intent shining out from my being. Â I pray she'll see in me all the things that she reflected herself. Â The forgiveness of others, the determination, the strength. Â The refusal to be moved when certain things are at stake.
It's the best I can do with the cards I've been dealt.