My Confession

It is the eve before Christmas Eve and I think I have spent all of my Christmas Spirit.  Today I received the Target Gift Card from Olive Garden and was able to make purchases that will allow me to give more babies what they need.  I am doing this for mami. I felt all kinds of joy and happiness. But, as I sat here and thought about what tomorrow will bring, I realized that joy was to be short-lived. I've decorated a live tree. I've purchased items in her name for the frog princess. Things she wanted to get last year but couldn't.  But it is not the same.  I think about last year. Driving out of town on Christmas Eve as she headed to the hospital after battling with us that she did not need to go.  She'd spiked a fever.  Sepsis from an unknown infection.  Days later, I would be told that the tumor was growing again.  That they couldn't do anything for her.

I would tell her this in as soft a language as I could muster (because it was my job to deliver all news).  She looked at me and the tear that rolled out of my eye and told me to not get like that. That she had no plans of dying.  Less than a month later, she was gone.

This holiday that I have been dreading is here.  Superficially, I want to do all of the things that are appropriate and expected.  But, I suddenly don't feel like interacting with anyone.  I don't feel like smiling in order to make others feel comfortable with my grief.  I don't know what to do.  How this holiday is supposed to ever feel okay.  How the gaping hole in my heart can ever heal.

I miss her.  Especially now.  Especially in her home.  Especially at this time.  Though many mourn her, I can't help but feel completely alone in my sorrow.  Displaced like an old toy cast aside as a new one is unwrapped.  I wish I could write a lovely post about the meaning of Christmas, the joy in my heart and the happiness I feel.

Truth is, I feel numb.  I've wrapped gifts for my child and still can't get in the spirit.  A Christmas Story has played and for the first time ever, it seems to have ended too quickly.  I have a house full of clutter and no desire to do anything about it.  I'm wondering if all of the pomp and circumstance was a good idea after all. If perhaps, it might've been better to not plan anything this year.  I wonder how I will feel tomorrow.  If my dreams tonight will help lift some of the sorrow in my heart.

But as of right now, I confess, I am not feeling the hopeful happiness that I've worked towards these last few weeks.  I just feel empty, sad and alone...