It is the eve before Christmas Eve and I think I have spent all of my Christmas Spirit. Â Today I received the Target Gift Card from Olive Garden and was able to make purchases that will allow me to give more babies what they need. Â I am doing this for mami. I felt all kinds of joy and happiness. But, as I sat here and thought about what tomorrow will bring, I realized that joy was to be short-lived. I've decorated a live tree. I've purchased items in her name for the frog princess. Things she wanted to get last year but couldn't. Â But it is not the same. Â I think about last year. Driving out of town on Christmas Eve as she headed to the hospital after battling with us that she did not need to go. Â She'd spiked a fever. Â Sepsis from an unknown infection. Â Days later, I would be told that the tumor was growing again. Â That they couldn't do anything for her.
I would tell her this in as soft a language as I could muster (because it was my job to deliver all news). Â She looked at me and the tear that rolled out of my eye and told me to not get like that. That she had no plans of dying. Â Less than a month later, she was gone.
This holiday that I have been dreading is here. Â Superficially, I want to do all of the things that are appropriate and expected. Â But, I suddenly don't feel like interacting with anyone. Â I don't feel like smiling in order to make others feel comfortable with my grief. Â I don't know what to do. Â How this holiday is supposed to ever feel okay. Â How the gaping hole in my heart can ever heal.
I miss her. Â Especially now. Â Especially in her home. Â Especially at this time. Â Though many mourn her, I can't help but feel completely alone in my sorrow. Â Displaced like an old toy cast aside as a new one is unwrapped. Â I wish I could write a lovely post about the meaning of Christmas, the joy in my heart and the happiness I feel.
Truth is, I feel numb. Â I've wrapped gifts for my child and still can't get in the spirit. Â A Christmas Story has played and for the first time ever, it seems to have ended too quickly. Â I have a house full of clutter and no desire to do anything about it. Â I'm wondering if all of the pomp and circumstance was a good idea after all. If perhaps, it might've been better to not plan anything this year. Â I wonder how I will feel tomorrow. Â If my dreams tonight will help lift some of the sorrow in my heart.
But as of right now, I confess, I am not feeling the hopeful happiness that I've worked towards these last few weeks. Â I just feel empty, sad and alone...