I don't know what happened. How I got to this place. My perfect routine has vanished. No longer does it take me 15 minutes for bedtime. It started after the last seizures the frog princess had. She slept in my bed for well over a week. I managed to get her back to her "regular" routine but, things felt off. Next came the move. The crib wasn't here the first couple of nights so naturally, she slept in my bed. Following that, her room was pitch black and I couldn't find her night lights. And here we are. Two weeks after the move and a sleeping frog princess rests comfortably in her mami's bed. Here's the problem: I don't think I mind. Does that make me a bad mami?
Ever since her sleep routine went all haywire after I tried to keep her up too late at 9 months, things have been pretty close to perfect. I remember picking up my copy of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child one night when I set her down in her crib and she was crying. After a week of sleep deprivation and a lot of frustration I thought "she's crying already, let me see what this book says". The next night, I put her in her crib and she cried for 5 minutes. The night after that, I watched in amazement as my baby girl sat in her crib and then laid down and fell asleep. No fuss, no muss (incidentally, that was the night I watched the movie Motherhood which inspired me to start this blog. Coinkidink? I don't think so!)
Fast forward to now. Part of me feels like I need to put her back in her crib. The last couple of nights, I have tried. But now she has something she didn't have at night months. The ability to say mama and cry sincerely and earnestly. Tonight, when I put her in her crib, there was a look of pure fright in her eyes and she clung to me for dear life while screaming "mama! mama!". Explain to me how I am supposed to ignore that? I used to be okay with her crying a bit when she got off her routine. But now, this feels different for some reason.
The first 6 months of her live we were co-sleepers. But, as she outgrew her Arms Reach, off to her crib she went. Even then, I'd nurse her and she would fall asleep and then, I'd set her in her crib (which reminds me, I totally miss nursing and I don't care if you think that's creepy! I'm sharing here!). The first night I did that, I cried.
Part of me feels like I need to put her in her crib, keep to the old routine, make her stay in there. But the mami heart within me says different. The wails from my child hurt too deep. And though I was never more than a few steps away, the thought that she might be frightened and feeling as if no one was there to protect her is a bit too much to bear at the moment. She has had so many changes already this year. Would co-sleeping with her mami be so bad?