"My Eye!" and Other Bedtime Fantasies

I knew this would happen.  How could I not?! I mean I did read the book and listen to Samuel L. Jackson's fabulous narration of it (if you've been living under a crib, I'm speaking about Go the F*** to Sleep). Things started slowly. Sometimes the frog princess would ask me to lie down next to her and she'd hug me and kiss me.  Who doesn't love that? Well, apparently my mami brain has me forgetting a few things.  Thank GAWD I keep this blog otherwise, how would I have remembered what a master of manipulation she is?

In the last week things escalated pretty quickly.  At first I thought it was cute. "Mama, my eye!" she would whine out holding a hand up to her eye while it was shut. I would blow in the general direction of the eye and she would say "oh, all bedda". Because we all know that mamis can do 2 things very well: kiss away the hurt and blow out the pain. On a related note, I caught her blowing on her own eye the other day in the car. She told me it worked. I can't make this up people!

As we are going through potty training, it stands to reason that the next move would be this. "Mama, pawyee!" she's say as she scrambled to her feet and hustled to pick up her burp cloth and poor Clifford who must accompany her to the bathroom.  Once there, she'd sit and then announce with a huge smile "all done!".  Chick! You haven't done anything! But, okay.  One night she got me twice with this one.  I almost tripped the first time as I ran thinking we weren't going to make it. Good times.

I will say that she does keep her routine fresh, though.  A variety of reasons come up.  The biggest ones have to do with hugs, kisses, the eye situation and the need to have the precise GPS location on not 1 or 2 or 3 but 4 stuffed animals thankyouverymuch.  The last 2 nights though, I've called her bluff fully intending to give her one of my already famous speeches about how she should not tell me she has to go potty unless she absolutely has to and she needs to cease and desist with the delay of bedtime.

Wouldn't you know it?! Two nights in a row, I've taken her to the bathroom and she has smiled up at me with what I have now coined the "potty smile" and tells me "I did it!".  So, my speech will have to wait.

In the meantime, I foresee some seriously cute excuses to avoid bedtime.  While they are aggravating, I'll be honest, sometimes it's just cute beyond words. I am happy to report that I am good at masking the smile until I have turned away from her.  But, friends, it is not easy!

Here's the part where you share and make me feel better.  What do your kids use as an excuse to not go to bed?

The Co-Sleeping Chronicles: A Thief In The Night

I write this huddled in a 2x2 ft space wondering how things got this way (you should know that I am skinny and have absolutely no concept of square footage). Was it something I did? How could this have happened? My toddler, who apparently I am now to call a pre-schooler, has usurped my bed.  By the way, who comes up with this crap? I'd just gotten used to her being a "toddler"! Now I have to hyperventilate at the thought of school in her new title? Really people?!?  But, I digress.

I fell asleep with her for the millionth time today.  It's now a normal occurrence and I am used to just waking up at midnight and being up for a few hours. If you are on the west coast, it's a sacrifice I make for you because I love you and want to interact on Twitter and be available to reply to the million comments you're not leaving on my posts.  That's my story and dammit, I'm sticking to it.  Unfortunately, what is also a normal occurrence is the fact that the minute I slip out of bed, say to go pee or grab a donut (or both), my already small space of heavenly mattress real estate is immediately occupied.

How does she know?  And she's good.  The frog princess reminds me of those people that peruse obituaries in New York in order to get a great apartment (or back in the day, a 212 phone number).  I have a queen sized bed.  She already owns most of the real estate there (along with Clifford and the blankie).  And now, she aims to claim the entire bed.  It's bad enough that she shows disrespect for the 40-hours of labor I put in to bring her into this world by haphazardly throwing her limbs on me as if I wasn't even there.  But now, here I am.  Trapped in this small square footage of Serta softness not only uncomfortable, but acting like I don't have a right to move for fear of waking her up!

And then, it's like she mocks me with her good sleep. She is obviously in sleep heaven while I am awake, wondering how I can pull the covers from under her.  She is so deliciously asleep that she doesn't care about covers! Doesn't need them.  The frog princess has inherited her dad's internal body temperature.  It may or may not have been one of the reasons I fell in love with him way back when.  His ability to keep me warm ala Jake from Twilight (though he never transformed into a werewolf, thank God! Who needs all that hair in the bed. I'm just sayin').  Now, his child mocks me as if to say: look mami! Not only am I getting some awesome sleep but, I don't need covers!

Here I am.  Wondering if Apple will sell me new keypads because I know that the new MacBook Pro's have quieter ones.  Trying to type as fast as I can so I don't wake her up all the while wondering: how did my child turn into a thief in the night?  This has got to stop! I will be having a conversation with her in the morning to discuss our arrangement.

So, is anyone else out there being evicted from their mattress or, is it just me?