I'm 3 months into my year. From the outside looking in, not much has changed. But on the inside, there is an almost daily shift that happens.
This has felt like sacred time. Because it is. For introspection, for learnings, for truly becoming aligned with the highest and best version of myself. Sounds frou frou, right? I still cuss so, there's that.
I've been most thankful for the times I'm going about my business and a certain thought strikes me that leads me to a whole revelation about a person or situation that I hadn't previously thought of (maferefun Oyá and maferefun Eggun).
The other day, I was talking to the brujas (aka my crew) and cutting the fool, as usual. We can go from shenanigans to serious in like 2.3 seconds though, and that's exactly what happened that night. We were talking about coming into your own. About shifts and about what that means for the people around you.
The word un-stitching wouldn't leave my mind. As we talked, I had 2 different pictures.
The first one was two pieces of fabric stitched together with thread and as that thread becomes unraveled, those 2 pieces separate.
To me, that speaks to us coming apart from our old ways, our old selves and separating as we grow and move toward the space we were always meant to occupy.
I'm seeing a lot of women coming into themselves and it is a reminder of a collective consciousness as we heal ourselves, heal our sisters and ensure that our children never need this type of healing.
The second image is one of stitches being taken out of a wound. Some of us have done the work so the stitches will come out and we will be healed, having tended to our wounds as instructed.
But others have not been paying attention to the instructions or directions (aka lessons). They, seeing you un-stitch yourself will attempt to do the same only to realize there is no healing and the wound is once again bleeding as it was on the very first day.
The thing about life is that we can only be responsible for our own wounds. I know there are those that bleed on others in an attempt to get them to be part of their mess but, we have got to be clear on what is ours and what is someone else's.
That's also part of growth. It's not just about doing your work, but about understanding the work that is not yours to do.
I can openly admit that I was terrible about that. I'd see blood on me and figured I needed to fix whatever it was. I was raised to think it was my job to heal.
Thing is, I am a healer.
I hadn't learned to differentiate between healing someone that wanted it and someone that was perfectly content being unhealed (rest assured, they tell you every time!). And even when I learned, I had a hard time trusting myself because of certain situations that happened when I was younger.
I hope that we learn the lesson that sometimes, it's not our wound to heal.
Because I wear the battle scars given to me by people who pulled out their own stitches in an effort to make me believe they were done with their work.
These last 3 months continued to show me my strength, this time has exposed what I can and cannot allow in my life. Because heavy is the crown and it has been bestowed upon me, not without blood, sweat and tears in the process. But also, I cannot “pretend” to be healed as some do. I have to, very intentionally, do the work. Cannot pretend I don’t see the truths that stare me down every day, all around me. I cannot put up a façade because my daughter's own healing in the future is at stake.
I have gained a level of strength in my convictions that I’ve never had before. Gained a level of clarity that I refuse to ever give up again.
I am the breaker of generational cycles. But, I have to be very careful that I don't start cycles of my own. So, I step carefully while carrying her on my back. Making sure no landmines go off. Showing her where I step so that she can remember the path. Letting her know where it's safe for her to create her own.
Helping her know the difference between her work and the work of others. Her wound and another's.
I am grateful for feeling entirely complete in my own skin. Grateful that every day, I am shown something new. A new lesson, a new blessing. A new path. Answers to questions that I have had for years and answers to questions that pop up every day.
I'm grateful for the un-stitching in all its forms.