It's Easter Sunday. I got no basket for the frog princess. I didn't make a ham. I didn't bake a pie. I made meatloaf but find my stomach is not willing to have anything in it at the moment. The frog princess had a true meltdown on the way home from church after the pit stop for breakfast. I stayed calm even though it appeared as if she'd been possessed. Overtiredness can do that to a toddler. I am grateful that this was the very first meltdown like that. It's the little things that catch my attention these days. Like the cute little girl sitting next to us at church who'd clearly lost her hair to cancer. She was dressed in blue and had the coolest mani and pedi to match (adorable, I tell ya!). I didn't get her name. Didn't wish to be intrusive. But I've been praying for her all day and hope that if you're the praying kind, you throw some prayers up for the cutie pie with the fabu nails.
I dreamt about mami last night and it was so nice. Or maybe it wasn't a dream. I don't remember all of the specifics but I remember her by my bedside smiling. I saw her clearly because ever since the frog princess came home, I sleep with the closet light on and she stood between the bed and the closet. I knew she was "gone" but man, it was good to see her smiling face.
I've had a tough week. And a tough day today. I wanted to go to the cemetery but the meltdown shifted the entire day and then at home, the silent tears shaped the hours in an oblong manner. There are so many changes going on. So many realizations. Like, did you know that I put people ahead of me all the time? I make concessions for them. I make excuses. I insist on caring for people even when they don't care for themselves. Right as service began I had a realization that was at once deep and simple.
"Worry not. You know what you need to focus on. Let Me handle the rest."
I've had a crazy sense of peace all week. I have my moments of "aaaahhhh" (and by that I mean moments when I want to run screaming from a room, stop talking and slap sense into someone or take my adorable shoes and fling them at someone's head) but generally, I have been concerned with not polluting my space. That's my phrase for the week. I don't want to have any negativity in my space. Shit happens. And I can't control others. Moreover, I learned a long time ago that sometimes, I'll never know what happened. Never know the details of the demise. The purpose for the deceptions. That's a story best reserved for a bestseller and not a blog, my friend. The general lesson is: some things don't matter. I think as women we spend a lot of time worrying about things that are not important. And advertisers have caught on (do you really need pajama jeans?!). So now, I have my mami filter set up in my head.
See, mami experienced her own trials and tribulations. When I'd go to her with a problem she'd tell me, but that doesn't matter. And it used to annoy me. "Of course it does!" I'd say, indignant! That person betrayed my trust or that person misused my friendship or that person is not being fair. Whatever the reason, most times she'd look at me and say in a dismissive tone and with the appropriate hand gesture, sound effect and eye roll, "leave that". I see now the strength behind that. The force that it can create in your life. See, most days we spend our time worrying about the wrong thing. Focused on how someone has wronged us or how something didn't work out how we'd expected. Ask yourself, does it matter?
Not saying that it never does. But most times, it's not important. Most times, whatever is going on is a distraction or a tool you can use to learn a lesson. And here I am on resurrection Sunday after seeing my mami in my dream standing by my bedside last night, quietly smiling and with the same peace on her face that I've been carrying around in my heart all week. Writing a blog that at best is a rant. Trying to find the meaning behind it as I type. Trying to think of an appropriate and catchy title. Praying it comes to me and thinking back to that quote that I felt was delivered to me on a silver platter this morning. Thinking also about that cute kid in service and my mami. So much doesn't matter. I am incredibly sad for those that cannot see past the distractions because the day will come when the distractions are all that's left. At the same time, I am so incredibly blessed to be reminded of what does. Not that I'm all in a pedestal, at peace and holy. But, I surround myself with people that, when I need it (notice I didn't say if) will gladly pull me aside and "gently" remind me (the crew runs the gamut from politely and quietly nudging me into the direction I need to go to a verbal slap in the face complete with "colorful" language).
I don't have much more to say (can you believe THAT?! There's your one miracle for the day. Well, your second!). I pray you've had a blessed weekend. And I pray that you are anointed with enough grace to keep an eye open for all the things that truly matter (they're not that many, trust me).