Some days I feel lost. On a boat in the middle of the sea with nothing but the wind and the waves to move me.
There is so much to learn. In life. In the religion. So much to impart before my time on this earth is up. So much to take in.
I write this in the middle of the night after waking from a dream. It wasn't a bad dream, by any stretch of the imagination. In it, I was in the old apartment I grew up in. Funny that my dreams took me there.
I'm often guided in vivid dreams to news that will be coming, tragedy, triumphs. Betrayals are whispered to me and warnings to be careful of this person or that. I've learned to trust those dreams and understand that, in great part, this is how my eggun speak to me.
I'm also often heartbroken after dreams reveal a truth I had not yet seen or understood.
Often, I am asked if I have questions but, there are too many to name and, how exactly can you ask about that which you don't yet know. About that which should be told, not asked.
In my 8th month, I can firmly speak the word disappointment. I can truly understand the words of my Itá that live in my memory. Of the path those odus set me on and the inevitability of some things. Because not everything is in my court. Not everything is for me to resolve or figure out.
My gratitude toward my crowning Orisha and the Orishas that have turned my home into a temple, knows no bounds. I have re-learned that my trust can never be fully placed in humans. They know the reasons even as I struggle with people's intent. They know the resolution even as I vacillate on my actions. They cover me and guide me, every step of the way.
For everything that I have lost and am losing this year, I have gained something greater.
Then, just as suddenly as I awoke I realized, I have not really been lost. Yemaya guides my boat with her waves, Oya hails the wind beneath my sails. I've never been lost. I am never alone. My faith continues to grow even as so much of my life is pruned and prodded. As so many people and things that I thought would be constant in my life are revealed and their intent unsheathed like a sword from it's hiding place, I observe.
I let my silence birth the truths that no mouth has dared speak up until now.
On my 8th month, I understand the path a little better. Still with so much to learn. Still with so much to overcome. But I'm doing it with eyes wide open to the truth and a clear understanding that as I have been underestimated so have I underestimated my own faith and the true strength that lies within.