Long Live the Puggle
Chico Mendes is dead. There, I said it. It's been a week. I had the choice of announcing it taken away from me last week. I wasn't ready to speak on it.
Before I get into this let me say this, if you are not the person DIRECTLY affected by a death (ANY DEATH) and/or responsible for any parts of that process, sitcho ass down and give people the space and autonomy to make announcements for themselves, in their own time. The violation of boundaries meant that I had to deal with things I wasn’t ready to deal with and talk about this process outside of my inner circle. It also really pissed me off and somewhat poisoned my last moments with my beloved pet.
Where was I? Ah, yes! Chico Albus Mendes is gone. I've written words in my head but to be honest, having it announced ahead of his passing before I had the mental and emotional capacity to process pretty much dried up all the words that had been blooming in my heart.
I've written many posts where I spoke about the dog. From feeling bad about ignoring him after the baby to that one time that I almost passed out trying to sniff out pee, Chico has been a staple both in my writing, and my home. I found a print in the closet that I worked on with the Frog Princess and her cousin that had a corresponding blog post written through me by Chico Mendes. That was such a fun activity we did and I’m so glad I have their little hands and his paw print.
He was our spirit dog. The protector sent down from the heavens the day after my abuela died. I dreaded the idea of "the time" and what I would have to do. I know I did right by my old man. I didn't want him suffering. He could barely walk and all the things seemed to be going haywire in his system. Maybe it was his age (he'd been with me almost 17 years and was anywhere between 2 - 4 when he came to me), or the tumor on his back. Perhaps it was the brain finally doing what old, possibly sick brains do.
I can say there was no question about the decision I made. I know it was the right thing to do. And I was happy to have found a place like Heavenly Paws that allowed for the passing that I wanted, at home. Dr. Kiva was all the things and I am forever grateful for how she showed up with empathy and understanding. I thank her for treating Chico with dignity and love.
There have been many moments of sorrow during this past week. The first time I left the house realizing I didn't have to do all the prep work that normally happens when you have a dog. Coming home to no dog after all the years of having a pooch at home. Seeing his things washed and folded on the couch (big thanks to Uncle Pete for taking on this task in the immediate hours after his passing). There are new fissures in my heart with each passing day.
The house doesn't feel completely empty, though. I have to believe that my spirit dog has not yet left me. That he is still click clacking his nails against the tile as he roams the house, that he'll eventually make his way to the ancestor altar and finally not get yelled at for eating the food.
Even still, I miss him. The Frog Princess misses him. And I haven't yet found all the appropriate words. His ashes are being delivered today. I guess that makes his loss real. Or not.
Big thanks to all of you that have reached out privately and left your thoughts in my DM’s. They’ve been a balm and a blessing. Thanks for loving Chico across the miles from your little screens in your hands.
Long live the Puggle!