Dating Dossier: Online Dating

I'm single. Did you know that? What you might not know is that I've never been a big dater. And thus, this world we live in of online dating and showcasing yourself online for the purposes of a partnership is, shall we say, unknown to me.

Crazy, right? I mean I live online, why is this so difficult?

Truth be told, I have no clue how this happens online. But there I went, signing up with an online dating site just to check things out. Allow me to channel Mother Oprah for one second and tell you what I know is true:


Y'all, I can't do this. I just cannot. I think the first and most important reason is the total lack of punctuation in the messages I received. And deficiency of capitalization. What happened? Did a capital letter bully you in school? Did a comma slap you upside your head? What did correct grammar do to you to cause you to send me messages lacking in it?!

I don't think I can do online dating.

But seriously, dating is kind of scary. Online dating has a special level of OMG that I can't describe. I have no clue where to begin. So I've decided I will just be single for the rest of my life. Because if my option is finding someone via online dating, I don't know how it's going to happen. Ima need this vision board to work its magic and find someone to sweep me off my feet like I requested. Randomly and in a non-creepy, "this dude ain't stalking me" kind of way.

This is what I want. I wrote up my list a while back and obviously need to add a few more things to it. Like proper spelling and punctuation.

It's Memorial Day weekend. If you guys find a hawt guy that meets some of the criteria from that list that can actually sweep me off my feet without the use of the interwebs and its dating sites, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I'd also greatly appreciate some of those BBQ ribs. And a kale salad because...balance. Please and thank you!

Dating Dossier: The List

A long, long time ago, I had a conversation with Robi about the list. She just celebrated her 13th wedding anniversary but this must've been about 5 years into her marriage. I remember her telling me she had found the list she'd made years ago regarding what she wanted in a man. And that she'd checked off her must haves for her husband. Good thing too because I didn't think an annulment would be possible then. We are list-making women. Robiaun is definitely my sister from another mister. Her husband says we are twins but I think that I lack the gumption and resolve that flows naturally from her. She's always been able to stand in her truth and in her worth. I hadn't seen that before her. Throughout the years she has stood by me and has provided me that backbone when I needed it, reminded me of my worth and more often than not told me that either 1. I was overreacting or 2. I was wrong. You need a friend like that. Someone that's not afraid to tell you the truth. I'm blessed (I guess) that I have multiple women that fulfill this role. But, I digress.

This post is about lists, dammit! Do you know what you want in a mate? Do you know what you need? What's a game changer? Where do you compromise? Do you know your worth? I'll be posting about the business of relationships soon. It's a repost from another lifetime but one that I think still resonates. But for now, let's focus on your list.

Well, actually it's my blog so let's focus on mine. I don't have one. I, the queen of lists, have not written down my needs and wants for a mate. Going through my corporate social responsibility class's discussion about personal vision and mission this past week reminded me that I need to get back to it. I know I wrote a list once. But I have no idea where it is.

Enjoy yourself...that's what your 20's are for. Your 30's are to learn the lessons. Your 40's are to pay for the drink. - Carrie, SATC

And so I will use my OneNote to put a list together. A list of must haves and a list of "if you got this you are SO out the door". We need these lists to keep us honest and to remind ourselves to not settle for anything less than what we deserve. I'm good for that. Personally and professionally. In friendship or partnerships. I am not afraid to admit that to you. But I want to do something about it.

I think that as women, we cheat ourselves out of leading the life that was set forth for us because we are afraid to speak our needs. And even though this started under the dating dossier header I think this applies to everything in life.

So here's your homework (yikes!). Make a list. If you are blissfully coupled (yay!) then make a list about your goals or a dream you want to accomplish. If you can't think of anything, make a Christmas gift list for me. Don't be afraid to ask me what I want.

Refer back to your list as often as you need to. Give yourself a measuring stick. And have a friend hold you accountable. Then, let me know how it goes.

What do you need a list for in your life right now?


Dating Dossier: Dei's Not-So Dine and Dash


Meet Dei.Nicole. She is my line sister, my friend and my comic relief with her Facebook updates about dating. So much so that I had to create this for her:

DeiThe post is long guys but, how could I cut the story down? It’s about a girl and a guy. Olive Garden and a check. About a card, a phone call and a surprise.

My last relationship ended about a year and a half ago.  During the “reflection time”. You know that time we go through when you sit alone with or without tissues and/or ice cream and realize all of the things about your failed relationship that you let slide. The things that probably would have saved you from the heartache of a breakup in the first place? Yeah that time.

I realized that I had never really “dated” my ex. Sure we went out a few times but in reality, we met and we were a couple within the first 30 days of meeting. So I promised myself that I would actually spend some of my new single woman time not “looking for a relationship” but instead just having fun and dating.

Dating_Dossier_SATC_QuoteI must say the last year and a half of dating experiences has been interesting, to say the least. I have met some really cool guys, some not so great ones, and a couple guys who clearly escaped from somebody’s mental institution prior to taking me out on a date.

The Background Story:

A few months ago, I went out on a date with this guy. Let’s call him Chris. At first, I didn’t really think of it as a date for two reasons:

  1. because Chris and I were platonic friends for a little while prior and
  2. because there was no preparation on my part for this date.

The ladies know what I mean by preparation, I didn’t go out and buy anything new to wear. I didn’t really have on any makeup. My brows weren’t even done! I really thought it was just a quick bite to eat to catch up.

We met at a nearby Olive Garden. Chris was a complete gentleman. He met me at my car when I arrived, held open the door to the restaurant, pulled out my chair. All of which was surprising to me because these small acts of chivalry are pretty nonexistent in my dating experiences. I am always secretly looking for gentleman tendencies.

He told me to “order whatever” I wanted in such a way that implied that he would be covering the bill….with a huge grin and a wink to complete the kind gesture. (Yes. I am for real…he winked.) I didn’t think much of it because I always order the same thing at Olive Garden and come on…. we were at Olive Garden, let’s be real.

While waiting for our meals, I realized that not only were we having a good conversation but Chris was interested in being more than platonic friends. This was a real date!  He was asking all kinds of personal questions on topics we had never talked about before. While we ate, He was holding great conversation and saying all of the right things. For just a split moment, I thought wow I never knew this side of him.

This could potentially be a good thing. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I thought of how I looked: I had on no makeup and my eyebrows were completely in need of some thread and I became a tad bit self-conscious. But that feeling of slight inadequacy soon went away.

This is What Disaster Looks Like:

The waitress came with the bill. Chris immediately grabbed it up and handed it back to the waitress with his credit card without taking his eyes off of me to look at the bill or stopping his conversation. A few moments later she returned and said those dreaded words, “I’m sorry, sir, but your card was declined.” She told us that she had run it three times and asked if he had another.

I looked at Chris. Of course he was embarrassed and completely dumbfounded. He was staring at the credit card like he had never seen one before in his whole entire life. He told the waitress that he didn't have another card. I was looking directly at him and trying to make eye contact because I always feel like I can tell if a person is being honest. If I can just see their eyes. He wouldn't look at me.

Just as I grab my purse to get my card Chris gets up and says, “I may have some money in the car. I will be right back.” The waitress looks at me, shrugs and walks away.

At first I started to feel bad for Chris because I knew this situation was pretty damn embarrassing. I also knew that our bill couldn't have been more than $50 and that Chris had a career and a great paying job. Clearly it may have been an issue with his card itself, maybe he had it by his cell phone and the magnetic strip got wiped or something.

I’m not sure how much time passed but Chris still was not back and just when I started to think that maybe the embarrassment was too much and he left me, he slides back into the booth. He tells me he didn’t have any cash in the car. I offer to pay and he got extra dramatic and tells me that he would never ever ask me to do such a thing. He said that his friend lived around the corner and was on the way with some cash. He asked if I would mind sitting with him a little while longer while he waited.  I thought it was a bit much when I had the ability to pay and get it over with. But my Dad told me once to never stop a man from trying to be a man in times of trouble so, I just agreed to stay. Big Mistake.

When his friend arrived, Chris told me to sit tight. Again, I waited for him to return. After about 10 minutes, I was done. I grabbed my stuff and walked to the door of the restaurant (with the waitress following close behind me…I am sure she thought we were going to leave without paying). From the door I could see Chris outside talking with another guy.

Here’s where it gets interesting:

There was a woman outside, too. I couldn’t hear what was being said, but I knew this woman was really excited about whatever she was talking about because she was pacing and throwing her hands up and down. I went ahead and paid for our food before stepping outside.

I was unsure whether or not I should walk to where Chris was or just make a mad dash for my car. Just as I

was about to take a step in Chris’ direction I hear,

“So you can go have dinner with some chick (she did not really say chick) but not buy your baby diapers?".

I start to look around because I was 100% positive that Ashton and the TV crew were going to appear at any moment. Clearly, I was being Punked, or on Hell Date or something. This was definitely not real life.

Chris looked up at me, waved and yelled, “Dei…I will catch you later!” in an apparent attempt to get me the hell away from there. I took that as my cue and was about to exit stage left, when the young lady turns around and starts walking towards me while yelling,

“Excuse me!! Excuse me, Ma’am…. I just need to talk to you for a second.”

Time seemed to stop. As I watched her stomp over to me, (not knowing what her intentions were but I knew I had a good few inches and a few more pounds than her, so I definitely wasn’t afraid) I started thinking about life and the fact that I am 30 years old, well-educated with a good career. Yet here I am in a parking lot. With a woman stomping towards me to confront me about going on a date…with her child’s father?

I thought about the fact that Chris was over there, looking completely defeated while his “friend” was cracking up inside his car. How did a quick bite to eat turn into hell date in a matter of moments? Maybe…just maybe I should give this dating thing a break.

“Excuse me, excuse me.” The young lady had made it to my space. “I hope you don’t think that you are dating Mr. Right because he is no good! He doesn’t take care of his child! He has NO MONEY and…” she proceeds to go on and on and on for at least a couple of minutes before I finally stop her. I tell her that we are just friends out for dinner and that I was definitely not interested. She looks me up and down. She is satisfied with my answer and says, “Ok. Well I just wanted to let you know…” and turns on her heels to head back to Chris.

I immediately jump in my car and drive off, trying to get as far from that situation as soon as possible. On my way home, I get a text message from Chris. It said: "D...I am so sorry. Hopefully next time will be better. This is not my real life, I promise."  Next time?!

Needless to say that was the last time I saw Chris. We did have a short conversation a few days later (only because he called me from a different number and I was dumb enough to answer) where he tried to explain. But really what is there left to say?

To those of you reading my story who are in loving, healthy relationships…. hug them tight at night! Those of you who are single and dating…I’m sure you can relate. It is definitely hard out here in the world for a single woman, especially a 30+ single woman. I just try not to take everything so seriously. If nothing else…. the dating disaster stories make for great Facebook updates. Hang in there.

DeidreDei refused to send me a bio so, I made this one up (let that be a lesson to all you guest posters out there).

Dei.Nicole is a slightly deranged single woman in Orlando that refuses to eat moldy bread. She recently re-enrolled in school because there wasn't enough pain in her life. Dei likes full moons, walks on the beach, broad shoulders and strong backs. Also, she’d like to not be mortified at Olive Garden.

Dating Dossier: Giving


There was this guy once... It felt like we'd grown up together. Can I call him a college sweetheart? Not sure. I can say that he had most of my interest during my college days (which is when I started dating, by the way). He was sweet. And he was nice. We would spend some summer days at each other's houses watching TV and not really speaking. I looked forward to those days.

After college, we met up again and this time around it was...different. We had grown into ourselves a bit more. But it was still nice to have had that past experience of growing up together, to a certain extent.

Still had kinks though. Inconsistencies that I thought were mine but that I realized much later were his own insecurities rearing their head, eventually at the expense of our relationship.

Anywho, the year he was turning 30, I had a plan. It's actually a plan that I want to do with everyone on all of their major birthdays. But this was the first time I executed it. Thirty days of presents. Thirty reasons. I'm such a sap sometimes! I'll admit, I am an incurable romantic. But don't tell my left brain, lest a war break out.

It was not easy. Y'all know me so of course there were spreadsheets and back up gifts in case I found out he already had something that was on the list. Some things were simple. Like a CD of the top 10 songs the year we met. Some things were not so easy. Engraved presents always work, right?

I poured my heart out that summer in the form of this project. Because more than the present, each gift came with a reason for why I selected it for him and in part, a reason why he was loved.

Needless to say it was a raging success. Though things did not work out between us, I am glad I did what I did. The purpose for the project had to do with the "holy shit I'm turning 30" freak out that Mr. Thirty started to have in the months leading up to his birthday. And also because I'd come to realize he needed to be shown love in a way he'd never been shown before.

That's the thing about dating for me and probably the reason why I was never a big dater. Because I give a lot of myself. I guess in my old age I've come to realize I can't do that. There are so many factors to take into consideration.  The business side of dating makes me want to run and hide. Sometimes it's too much for this heart.

What are the rules for giving? Is there a ratio that we should keep in mind as we date? Or are you a believer that your actions are not determined by someone else's reaction?

Dating Dossier - Giving