Loving You For Two

My dearest frog princess: It has been a while since I've sat down and written you a note (you hear this a lot from me, don't you?). What a roller coaster ride these last few months have been!

Through it all, though, I have you. Your beautiful smile greets me every morning and I feel blessed. You know just when to come up and hug me and your knock knock jokes are sure to make me giggle.

And boy, you are growing like a weed! Not just physically but mentally as well. Do you know that you can now operate my phone? You have these cool apps I've downloaded for you. These days, you can count to 10 in English and en español. And nothing brings me more joy than hearing you play with the alphabet apps and saying "mama, where's the K?" and then when I say "I don't know, where?" you say "there it is!" and press the button.

Your curiosity reminds me of what we lose in childhood. That wonder. That sense that everything is a miracle.

You spiked a fever last night and ever since, your dad and I have been on seizure watch. Your temperature would not get back to normal all day long although you were your normal bubbly self.

But as the day turned into evening, you wanted to be picked up and rocked and I knew we were in trouble. I saw that the light in your eyes was a little dimmed and I started to worry. It's funny because I prayed that you wouldn't seize. And God answered our prayers. Of course we didn't pray that you wouldn't experience the postictal period (which is basically when you go unconscious for anywhere between 15-30 minutes after a seizure). That happened around 6:25. And there's nothing like holding you and watching you fade not knowing what is wrong.

Suffice it to say, today has been a long day. But, by the end of the night, you were singing and dancing (your dad has video) and back to your usual antics. I'll be taking you in to the doctor tomorrow to see what's up with the reason behind your fever.

I missed mami a lot today. Not like I miss her less on some days. Do you know that when I'm putting you down to bed and we are lying on our pillows looking at each other in the dim glow of the nightlight, all I can see is her face? You look so much like her. Especially when you put your hands on my face and ask me if I'm happy with a big smile on your face.

Tonight when I was rocking you to sleep the thought hit me that you are missing out on some extra special love. How will you ever know how much she adored you? How will you ever get spoiled like only she could have? Who will you run to and hide behind when you do something that upsets me? Who will give you that kind of love?

I am trying hard to love you for two. On days like this, I feel like there is not enough love in my heart because as a mother, your heart bursts at the seams with love for your child. But I cannot imagine what happens to the heart once your child has a baby of their own. I miss her, baby girl. And I miss that you are missing her and don't even know it.

You are well aware of who she is. Her picture is everywhere. Her essence in every corner of this house. I pray that I can give you enough love for the both of us. And that my heart doesn't break in the process of trying to handle an insurmountable amount of love while at the same time trying to handle this insurmountable amount of grief.

I love you, from here to the sun and back (times infinity).

oxoxox, Your Mami

A Look Back: The Very First Entry

I was looking through my little girl's journal. I haven't written in it very much since last year but, this one caught my heart as I was copying it over to Evernote. It is the very first entry after finding out that we were pregnant. 4/15/09 11:10 p.m.

These are the first words written just for you: we love you and can’t wait til you get here.  We are so excited that you are on you way.  Your aunt Shereen and uncle Paul just left after coming over to celebrate the news.

We found out about you @ 7:23 a.m. on April 11, 2009.  I went to the doctor 2 days later on Monday April 13 and the doctor confirmed what the home pregnancy test showed.

Your dad and I can’t stop smiling.  We feel so blessed that you’re on your way.  We pray for you.  That you are healthy.  We know you’ll be wonderful and beautiful because you are ours.

My dad cried from joy when he heard the news and my mom can’t stop telling people.  Your dad's parents are equally as happy.  We told them over the phone since they’re in South Carolina.  Your titi Q has had the best reaction yet.  She was in Connecticut and when I told her over the phone she yelled Oh My Gosh! Over and over, louder and louder until she was crying.  It made me cry too.  Your titi G is just as excited and has already predicted you’re going to be a girl.  We’ll see if she’s right.

We don’t know when you will read this.  If you will be happy or sad.  If you’re mad at us or we are upset with you.  But we wanted you to know that you are loved and wanted beyond words.  We will always love you, no matter what.

By the way your uncle Pete said he’s not babysitting for the first two years.  You know he’s always joking.  He can’t wait to see you.  And neither can we.

Love, Mami y Papi

It seems like I wrote that a lifetime ago.  As if I was a different person.  My mother is alive and well in those journals.  Happy, healthy and ecstatic at the news of my pregnancy. I remember telling her I'd missed my period. She wanted me to wait longer to take the test because she was just wanting it so badly that she thought a little more time would assure a positive result. How I loved my parents reaction.  How loved I felt. I can't describe it.  As we head into the frog princess's birthday week, I can't help but be humbled and grateful for every single moment of the past. And every moment that I captured (though most times, I'm apologizing for not writing more often.  Sound familiar?).

If you have children, did you keep a journal while pregnant? Do you keep one for your kids now? If you're not, do you keep a journal of your happenings? I did before and sometimes I don't know what I was thinking and wonder what will happen when I become ridiculously famous.  Because the gaps aren't there to be filled on those journals.  I guess that's the only thing I don't like about journaling.  Unless you're like Oprah and have kept journals since you were a child, how will someone know what happened during the gaps? Between the lines of the journal? Who will speak of the little things? More importantly, are they necessary?

A Look Back: 36 Weeks...

I realize now why some prisoners commit crimes shortly after leaving prison in hopes to be put back in (well, kinda). At 36 weeks and 1 day, I was allowed to finally leave the prison that was my bed. Although truth be told by that stage, I didn't want to. Well, I did but I was so tired most of the time that I wanted to run and do what I had to and then jump back into the bed.

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